For Keeps

So in the journey to becoming a family, we've had taken a few turns that doesn't follow the usual course. Early on, we seemed to be the couple that would babysit others kids. In college, we watched Eddie while his mom worked. Ralph taught him to love donuts and Eddie taught Ralph how to wipe his hands on a napkin by rolling it across his chest with one hand, then the other thereby cleaning both hands. Then we helped a family with 3 kids whose mother had an emotional problem. The kids started turning to us more than their mother so we had to step back to allow them to work out being a family unit again. Next we get a call from an ex-neighbor offering us her grandson to adopt. We gave him a home for almost 2 years before playing roulette with the mother and saying either she allowed us to adopt him or she needed to give him a home. We lost. Then followed daughters of our own, Dana and Jody. God had one more surprise for us though in an unexpected pregnancy that brought Ross William Glazner into our lives. On that day I thought, "finally a son that can't be taken away from us". The craziness of this journey is that the young boy we wanted to adopt has been in and out of lives several times and has returned once again. He's about to be 31 and this time I "see" him as a son but also know I have no parental rights - He is truly God's son. And while it feels like 'someone' has taken Ross away, I know the same applies to him - He is truly God's son. Well, gee, I thought this being a mother was "for keeps". I think I'm glad to have figured out Who the real Keeper is but it is taking a while to adjust to the fact that I'm not it. I mean, wouldn't I want God to be the One who "keeps" all my children (and all loved ones) in His hand? Of course, I do!

Learning to figure out where the puts me on the journey. Moving forward, watching for road signs, listening for His voice, trusting that what/where/how all moves me toward what is really "for keeps".

Loving the Prodigals

I'm learning. Sometimes wonder why I am in this place to be doing this learning. But I am. In fact, guess I kinda asked for it. I've had an ongoing tutoring session with God for several years now on the topic of Love. I recall stating to someone years ago "If I want to love this boy, I have to love his momma." And I tried. In fact, I did love her but I didn't nurture her in a relationship toward God, at least not very well. And now she is in eternity. I can only hope she made a decision that sent her to heaven but I honestly don't know. In those years I thought I could love someone enough to make a difference. Then I discovered my love is limited and conditional and it is exhausting to try to "love enough". God's love is unlimited and unconditional so my next thought was that I needed to love others with His love and allow Him to work through me as He willed. The shortcoming of that idea is that the other person might be influenced by His love through others but they still have a will to choose how to respond to His love. So here I am in what I hope to be the Master Level course on Love. My role in this life is to Love Him. Simply to Love Him. He will direct my steps, will channel His love to flow onto others as He plans, He will sustain and protect me and He will keep me in perfect peace. I must give all of me to Him if I'm to have that perfect peace. Wish it was as easy as it sounds. Well, that sounded negative. But that's where I am right now. Learning to keep my eyes on Him. "Be still and know that I am God."

Don't mean to be cryptic so I'll explain what has motivated this post: Our 'almost son', Branden, is home with us for awhile. There are some who probably have concern with this decision and I understand. However, this was a decision that we didn't make - God did. Branden has come and gone from our lives several times. This time Ralph & I know God brought him here. We don't know anything more than that. And it has to be enough for now. We are asking and trusting God to reveal what is next. We are trusting.

What is within the spirit - the pureness or corruptness of the spiritual heart - is what shapes the soul - the thinking, feeling, acting which in turns affects the health of the body. If I am full of unforgiveness, it becomes a bitterness that then flavors every thought, feeling and action I have, in particular toward the area from which the bitterness was originally harbored. And those unhealthy emotions and actions begin to tear down my physical body. The stress and anguish change the chemical make-up of my body and begin to break down its optimum performance level.

So, upon learning this anew Sunday, I asked God to show me if there was any hidden bitterness in me. Why did I not think He would answer that prayer and show me exactly what I had asked for?
God has revealed a bitter root and it will have to come out. It's stuck right now but He will help break it up so it is completely removed this time. Once and for all! PTL

Two Contrasts

KYAC: Thanks to my niece, there is a new acronym in the family vocabulary. She is referring to the treatment her dad, my brother, is receiving to beat this aggressive cancer back into remission. KYAC stands for Kick Your A** Chemo and is warning the cancer cells that they are going to die, die, die. And we are believing that this is exactly what is happening. The effects have been very difficult on my brother especially since this treatment started within 11 days of having 2 brain surgeries. My brother is a strong man and is a fighter. But it is God who is His defender and Healer. I'm praying God will touch his (Fred) life with healing in the spirit and in the physical.

"Himher": Another new word in our family's vocabulary. While we are praying for cells to stop dividing and start dying in Fred's situation, we are praying for healthy cell division to occur in perfect timing for "Himher". That is because this is my first grandbaby's nickname until he/she is born.

Hearing the news of "Himher" is a sweet reminder that God is always moving life forward. We are being created, being refined, being restored, being prepared, being strengthened, being...
always with His hand upon us.

So I've said the one name I don't want my g'babies to call me is Granny. There are a few other names I'd probably not particularly welcome either. But let's face it. Whatever this sweet baby calls me will be grand with me:). We might need to negotiate a little though because the first g'baby gets to establish the name all of the others will call me too. Already there is pressure on being the oldest child.

One life fighting to beat cancer cells then needing to grow healthy cells to thrive. One life creating new cell divisions to grow and thrive. Two different lives in contrast to one another yet both moving forward to live "life abundantly" as He has promised.

I love you, Fred. I love you Himher. I love the One who holds both of you in His hands.

What next, Feddie Boy?

My oldest brother is 11 years older than me and that alone is enough to set him up as a hero figure in a little sister's eyes. And apparently whatever he asked me to do, I'd do it then ask him "What next, Feddie boy?" There is a family movie at a motel with a swimming pool (what a treat that was!) that even had a slide!!! The picture is grainy and the sound muffled but you can actually hear me ask him that question.

This morning as he is being brought out of a medically induced coma following two brain surgeries yesterday, he is still my hero. But instead of asking him 'what's next', I'd like to show him what's been happening and what is next. I want him to see and hear the prayers that have stormed the heavens on his behalf. I want him to know the One who has heard these prayers and has from His love and mercy been answering those prayers. I want my hero to have a Hero and for him to ask God ''what's next?" .

I'm believing in miracles and I'm asking for changed lives - all for His glory.

Love Beyond the Circumstances

Many times as I lay in bed I begin to thank God for the many blessings in my life. The bed feels so comfortable, I'm not hungry, I have enough covers to be warm or a fan to be cool, my husband is beside me, my family is healthy, Kirby (the dog) is snoring, I love God and feel His love for me so strongly.
One night as I had these soothing thoughts flowing through my mind, I suddenly had the vision of a small dark skinned girl whose belly was swollen as she lay on the cold ground with only a light cover and realized God loves her just as much as He loves me. It made me realize that I had associated comfort with being loved. What a lie that is! This little girl, a daughter of the King, knew His love and loved Him in return in the midst of some pretty hard circumstances.
"So, God," I asked, "why have you blessed me with so much while she lies there hungry and cold? You love us both enough to give Your life for us. I'm not sure what to do with what You are showing me."
I'm still working out the answer. For one thing, I had to own up to the realization that I still had an unclear view of His love. I was unaware of how much I still associated comfortable circumstances with His love. Oh, I know He loves me even through the hardest of trials. In fact, I feel His love and strength more then because those very trials cause me to press into Him more. But in the physical comfort sense, I felt so blessed - loved - because I didn't struggle there. I would never have thought that my little dark skinned friend was not loved by God just because she was hungry, sick or cold.
This love, God's love, is not a love to be experienced only in the physical. It is a love that connects our soul and spirit with the Living and Loving God. "Man does not live by bread alone." I AM hungry. I am hungry for more of God. Not for more comfort, for more knowledge, for more resources, for more friends though I'll receive all of these things if He gives them to me. But I'm beginning to see that my new friend and I have a need in common that He desires to give us equally - His love.
I think I will remember my new friend, maybe give her a name. I will ask God to pour His love into us, that it would overflow onto others and that they would hunger for more. I hope I meet her someday, at least in heaven. Such an odd way to be talking about someone I know nothing about yet believe God has connected us for a reason. We'll see what that is someday.
God's love is indescribable.

ouch

It just hit me like a brick. I didn't expect this (do we ever?). My oldest brother is fighting cancer - thank you Viet Nam - for the third time since 2002. One of his options this time is a stem cell transplant from siblings. Of course, I'm willing to give it a try on my part. More than anything I wish I could pass on to him "life everlasting" but that is his to unwrap for himself. What hit me like a brick was that he is my oldest brother. With both parents gone, he is the oldest of my family unit. And we need him around for a lot longer. So, thank you, God for answering the prayer that this cancer will lose once again. I'm thanking You now for the glorious revealing of your divine healing that will be a testimony in this family and for those around them. Thank you that we can stand on Your promises. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for hope and love. Most of all, thank you for LOVE.