Empty...I can't figure out how this gauge works. Seems like I'm getting on down the road of life okay when suddenly, the tank is empty again. I've collected quite a few gas cans these last weeks with God's Truth in them (thank you, friends). Tonight though, tonight the gauge is stuck on empty.

Had a friend at church a couple of months ago come over to me to offer to pray with me as she sensed I might be angry at God. I wasn't. In fact, at the time I might have been frustrated with His timing but could see Him at work in many areas of our lives.

Tonight though, tonight I'm angry at God. I wouldn't allow myself that anger last night when Ralph told me my kitten was dead. I looked at the cat whose neck had been broken by our dog and could only think "seriously, God, are you kidding me?" This silly little creature was a comfort from my childhood. It was becoming more and more of a companion who recognized my voice and followed me around the house. And now Mo is no more. Seriously, God, it was such a small thing to let me have in the midst of the rest of life.

Don't mean to discount the support of friends and family and their prayers. But tonight, I'm not okay. I've waited and prayed for years that my son would be free from his rebellion toward authority, his anger, his resentment aimed at his parents for anything. His choosing others over his family. And now he has chosen to be a part of the LDS cult. And now he wants to be kind and loving toward me. And I don't know how to receive it because it is driven by a false teaching and deceptive spirit. I can't rejoice in the very thing I have wanted for these last years. I love him so much and am afraid for him. God, I don't understand how you want me to walk through this. I don't want to fail anymore and indeed I feel like a huge failure. I don't want to give the enemy a foothold into the rest of our lives. I don't want to drive our son further away from the truth. But mostly, tonight, I don't want to do this at all. I am tired of the deceiver coming after my children. It was hard enough the first time. Seriously, God, again?

I wanted a kitty. I don't want another one. I can't keep losing because my tank is empty and I don't even want to refill it tonight.

sorry for a pity post...realize there are many hurting in our circle of family and friends and I am being self-centered...my thought are not on God's truth but are angry at God...should be praising Him for all the goodness there is regardless of the depth of darkness...thank you, God for my husband and children...thank you for my killer dog...thank you my brother got to go home from the hospital...thank you for giving me a good's night sleep tonight (trying to be positive)

He is Yours, Almighty Lord. Take him to the place You need him to be. Mold him into the vessel You have designed him to be. The shape you form will be specially made for the gifts and blessings You plan to pour into him. I choose to have complete, relentless trust in the masterplan of the Master. I choose to sing hallelujah for whatever is ahead, knowing Your love is unfailing, You are holy and You are faithful to Your promises. I love you, Father God. I am waiting and praying and believing.

You said if I had faith, even as small as a mustard seed, I could move mountains. I do have faith. I know Your Word is true. I know You will fulfill Your promises. I may need a little extra dose or two or million of strength and patience. I am confident that if I ask what is pleasing to You, You will hear my prayers and will give what is asked. I BELIEVE.....and when I don't, help me with my unbelief.

His name was Mo

I wanted a cat. I had cats growing up. I would hold one close to tell it all the secrets of dreams and broken hearts a little girl could have. It was my friend when my brothers wouldn't play with me. Living in the country with no neighbors makes for a lonely childhood sometimes. Anyway, I wanted a cat again. I got a cat. I'm about to lose him. Kirby, the dog, and the cat just aren't making progress in getting along. And the cat, named Mo but hereon referred to only as cat, gets too wild when playing. I have plenty of scratches to show for it. And Jody is afraid of the small gray wild beast. Can't blame her too much. So with sadness of a broken heart of a not so little girl, I am returning the cat to his farm home. "Things" keep coming in and going out.

There's that feeling...part 2

There were times when I was growing up that my momma would say something about someone or some situation and I would think "aw, mom, what do you know". Amazingly though, many times her intuition or discernment would be pretty accurate. There are some times that I do the same thing now. It's like you "know in your knower" (our Pastor's phrase) what is true or not about a situation. The next part is even when you know what the truth is and it doesn't paint a pretty picture, realizing God can still take it and turn it into a masterpiece.

I realize we can do nothing apart from Christ. And I thought I had learned a lot about things being accomplished through the working of the Holy Spirit not by my efforts. Guess I still tie too much of myself to these 'things'. I honestly thought if I poured all my love onto my boys that it would make a difference. As my friend keeps saying "the book isn't finished yet" but at this point I'm beginning to realize my love isn't enough. That is a hard thing to grasp because even in my imperfections and temper, I thought I had so much love to give. It is only His love that can make a difference. I can try to demonstrate it though I probably don't do it very well. But love has to be received for it to have an impact.

So Ross has moved out. He didn't like something I said. I spoke what I feel to be true. I don't know what happens next. I love him more than he will ever understand or accept from me. This hurts. I didn't read this part in the baby book about raising children. I thought it only happened to bad mothers...hmmmm...guess my own judgment falls back on me.

So having Branden back with us this last week hasn't been easy. Struggled almost constantly to have a positive outlook. Knew if we continued down this road with him, there would be a lot of sacrifices made. Kept hoping he would demonstrate an attitude of repentance, a desire to work his way out of his mess and instead saw a sour attitude and more concern with how to make his work easier than to simply get his work (community service hours) done. Then tonight, he sent a text about a friend picking him up from his community service and I "knew in my knower" that he wasn't being honest. He came home and gave me his song and dance about why someone other than that friend brought him home. Silly boy. I called the friend we would have approved of him being with who said that he was just getting off work. So the lie was revealed. Bottom line, we have given him until tomorrow @11:00 to be out. He has a lot of legal issues to deal with, no safe environment to go to, no home open to him - unless someone in his cycle of people he has used before opens their door again. I can't see how this is going to work out for him but God can.

God is still Sovereign. In fact, He doesn't need me to accomplish any of His work. Let me out of the boat, Captain. I'll swim back to shore. (From a story a friend shared.)

There's that feeling...

How does it happen that you know there is something but you can't put your finger on it right away. All of yesterday while there was a lot of other stuff going on, I kept thinking there is something about today. Well, yes, it is Jonny's 20th birthday. But there is something else about today. I couldn't shake that feeling and chalked it up to other emotions running rampant, lack of sleep and chocolate. Today, suddenly today, I thought I remembered but I couldn't be for sure so I went to my drawer where I have some family papers. There it was. The envelope the funeral home puts together for family members. Also came across an envelope that contained a letter written from my dad the same year. I read the letter first. As I read it, I wondered if I had ever read it before because it all sounded like new stories. That is until I got to the part where he talked about meeting my mother for the first time. He had almost cut off his thumb that day - never did hear how that happened - and if he got out of line, my mom tweaked his thumb. He was a handsome charming cowboy that I'm sure was use to having his way...until he met my mom. Her name was Rowena. Not an easy name to say and daddy struggled for a long time to learn to say it correctly but he said it was worth learning. He said he would always look back on the good times and only remember those days with her. Said when his voice cracked when he talked of her it was because of the love and happiness he had with her. Remember this was a big tough guy but not when it came to his wife and children. After folding the letter away for safe keeping I turned to the other envelope to see that Yes, I remember now. The 13th is the day she died. I have the comfort of knowing she said the salvation prayer that afternoon from her hospital bed, gave up her fight to live and went to meet her Savior and her Heavenly Father. Her life was spent taking care of others from an early age and she worked hard for things to be just right. Finally, her hopes and efforts had been realized - not by her own doing other than the act of placing her trust in Jesus. And that was enough. So is there a word for that feeling that comes into our hearts reminding us of some person? I'm not sure but if there is, it's meaning probably comes from the root word LOVE.

Missing In Action

It's just this simple: There are people in my life that are "missing in action"...some are living their own lives with their own family in a state far away, some are no longer on this earth, some are going to fiddle contests and some are lost. That's all I had to say....